04/05/2019 New York City, N.Y. — The 2019 BattleDroid Draft is slated for 12:00 Noon in New York City. This year’s crop of murder vehicles features some of the most effective and creative methods of disposal ever devised. Major corporations from around the world have submitted plans and beta prototypes into the pool to be drafted by countries, cabels, and organizations from around the world. This year’s winner of the first pick is the Federation of Developing Nations (FODN).

ESPN’s Mel Kiper and Todd McShay have evaluated and ranked the nearly 200 murderbot plans. Details to the each android’s make-up is top secret, Kiper and McShay were allowed to give some insight into the draft class of 2019.

“This year’s killing machine that is in a field of it’s own is the Blender 300a from the Boeing company. It doesn’t let anything stop it from fulfilling it’s mission and it has a motor that doesn’t quit. Not literally, of course, but it is nuclear powered, so it will run for hundreds of years,” stated Kiper.

McShay added, “One prospect to look for is the assassin out of Apple, the iDidit. It rated highest in the AI test and features Apple’s trademarked backup system so when one is stopped another takes it’s place.”

While each drafter hopes their picks are successful, the ghost of a draft bust still haunts the event. Kiper says not to worry.

“Everyone points to the Iron Man suit and says, ‘Hey, what a bust.’ The truth is, it would have been a lot more effective if Tony Stark wasn’t drunker than the captain of the Exxon Valdez.”

Top Ten Draft Order:
1: FODN
2: Hamas
3: China (compensatory pick from the United States)
4: George Soros
5: Oakland Raiders
6: Canada
7: Republican National Committee
8: Cobra Command
9: US Government
10: The Vatican

04/02/2019 Houston, Texas — Recent cuts to the NASA budget have forced the already industrious scientists to be even more creative. One way to work with the limited budget involves using one set of hardware for multiple purpose. One of the first moves toward a multitasking space agency is the new Fore-Warn system. This system combines weather forecasting technology with the so-called “Doomsday” Laser System.

“The Fore-Warn Satellite system combines our country’s need for national security and weather prediction,” said Pentagon Spokeswoman Sarah Yount. “Let’s be honest. The need to raze a country with a laser from space only comes up every 18 months or so. Why not have that thing tell us if it’s going to rain while it’s just floating around up there?”

NASA officials were equally excited for the new satellite system.

“We essentially strapped a death-ray onto an expensive weather balloon. Tell me that isn’t cool,” stated a NASA employee who wished to remain anonymous.

04/01/2019 — Los Angeles, Calif. — Spoof Movie, another in a cavalcade of spoof movies, broke many film industry records this weekend. The film, which is a send-up of send-up movies, was the top draw last weekend bringing in $189 million. In addition to it’s financial success, Spoof Movie was the first film ever to win a major award before the award season. The film was awarded a Razzie for Most Asinine nine months before the actual awards ceremony.

Riding on this wave of success, the filmmakers behind Spoof Movie, are currently producing a new project called Fast and the Furious IV: Underground Dance-Off.

03/30/2019 Toronto, Ontario — In a what is seen as a sour deal for Canadians, the latest NAFTA agreement continues to hurt the countries prized industries. Many lumberjack and ice fisherman jobs have been moved south to the United States. Meanwhile, Canadian seal clubbers have maintained their jobs due to their union. Meanwhile, many traditionally American jobs like Internet domain squatting and literary magazine editing have slowly moved to Mexico.

Economists state that this is a normal shift in the world economy and that Americans and Canadians shouldn’t worry about the loss of jobs. Many note that some jobs have moved north. A sharp increase in Canadian actors has been noted in Hollywood and the first Canadian Gladiator (“Chinook”) in the American Gladiators television show has been a huge hit.

03/29/2019 Rome, Italy — After initial resistance, then months of deliberation, the Roman Catholic Church has finally chosen an official sponsor. Wonder Bread beat out St. Francis Winery as the official sponsor of the Church. Both companies endured a stringent screening process that gaged business ethics policies, overall business plans, and profitability.

“Both organizations proved to practice righteously in the business world. It eventually came down to bread vs. wine. The Body of Christ will always be the central focus of the Church,” stated Vatican Spokesman Cardinal Vincent Pokinski.

Wonder Bread, a subsidiary of Interstate Bakeries based in Kansas City, Mo., was honored to be named the Church’s official sponsor.

“We are pleased to be affiliated with an organization that has influenced the world for hundreds of years,” said Wonder CEO Steve Mears. “This partnership will prove to be beneficial and rewarding to both parties.”

As part of the purported multi-million dollar deal, Wonder will proved the Eucharist for all parishes around the world. Wonder will also slightly modify the appearance of the host. One side will have the traditional cross, while the other side will be embossed with the Wonder brand “W.”

The Catholic Church follows other world religions that have already named official sponsors. The Southern Baptists of America have made a deal with Cadillac, while loosely organized Buddhists have struck a deal with Starbucks.

“Recent design overhauls have made the amenities at the ICEHOTEL even more exclusive,” stated Sven Hukärikki, manager of the ICEHOTEL. The design changes include fewer, but larger rooms with thinner walls. Some rooms that were formerly comfortably standard are now luxurious suites.

“Economic-environmental fluctuations have made living in ice a high demand/high cost experience,” said Hukärikki.

The news of the ICEHOTEL rate increases comes in the wake of the announcement of more rooms and lower rates at the newly established “Pacific Plaza,” the hotel that is underwater where Hawaii used to be.

03/27/2019 Martinsville, Va. — What started as an environmentally-conscious reaction to traditional auto racing, has now become the most popular game in town. The Biofuel Action Series (BAS) has proven popular even among the most hardcore NASCAR fans. The BAS races the same tracks with “stock” cars that run on rendered oil, the kind that is commonly found at fast-food restaurants.

“It’s great,” said racing fan Nathan “Duke” Carter. “It looks, sounds, and feels like NASCAR. It smells like In-N-Out Burger. You just can’t beat that.”

Many of the BAS teams that formerly worked in NASCAR are adjusting to the fuel in the new circuit. Using resources from America help the environment, economy, and national security. It does very little, however, for the nation’s waistline.

“It turns out trans-fat oils make a better fuel than the non-trans fat variety,” said Aamco Car #28 Crew Chief Billy Weathers. “We want to get our oil from a smaller, Southern chain like Wimpy’s and avoid health conscious chains like KFC.”

03/26/2019 Providence, R.I. — Frank Towles, Pawtucket native, broke the long-standing world hot dog eating record at Jules’ Frankfurter Emporium in Tiverton, R.I. According to Emporium owner Jules Linton, Towles devoured 63 hot dogs in 12 minutes. He broke the 12-year old record previously held by the late Joey Chestnut of San Jose, Calif. While Towles is proud to hold the title of World Champ, he says he wasn’t aware he was in the running.

“I was on my way back from the beach and I hadn’t eaten all morning. I saw this stand in Tiverton and figured it would be a great place to get lunch,” said Towles. “The hot dogs looked small to me, like White Castle burger small, so I order 70 of them.”

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the hot dog eating champ must eat six-inch hot dogs in a span of 12 minutes. The franks at Jules’ are seven inches.

“I’d like to say I’d never seen anything like it before, but the fact is, people have been getting close to the record for a couple of years now. Sometimes they are trying. Sometimes, they aren’t,” said Mr. Linton.

After Linton heard the order for 70 hot dogs, he kept an eye on Mr. Towles to try to catch history. After exactly 12 minutes, he ran over to Linton ran to Towles and gave him the good news.

“He snuck up behind me,” said Towles, still down-to-earth despite his fame. “He almost made me choke.”

For the feat to be recognized by Guinness, they need documentation. Fortunately for Towles, the monumental accomplishment was completely and clearly caught on the Emporium’s security camera.

“We had to study the video closely for any editing but we determined it was genuine,” stated a Guinness official.

For his part, Mr. Towles said he has no plans on defending his new title at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition this July 4th at Coney Island.

“I don’t like to travel too far. It’s way too tiring.”

03/25/2019 Cedar Rapids, Iowa — Stop Motion System, a group of rock music heavyweights is continuing its US tour and will stop make a stop in Iowa. The band consists of Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance), Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy, Partner’s Way), Bradley Bell (Chiodos), and Riley Breckenridge (Thrice, Dead Kennedys). The supergroup presents heavy, turn-of-the-century rock with a technical twist.

“We’re taking the best of our influences and moking (sic) something really special,” said Wentz in a recent interview via Blackberry. “We don’t want to forget our old bands, but we think Stop Motion System is something we will all be remembered by “

The tour is hitting smaller cities throughout the US in an attempt to capture the attention of many of the members’ longtime fans.

“When we first played, the Internet was changing the music industry,” texted Way. “Our styles of music made headway in the so-called ‘C markets’ through shopping malls and MySpace. This tour is our way to say ‘thank you’ to those fans.” At a reasonable $47 a ticket, many fans are taking the band’s “thank you” offer.

Stop Motion System will bring their angsty rock to the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa tomorrow (Tuesday) at 9:00 p.m. From there, they head to Fargo, N.D., to continue their jaunt through the Midwest.

03/24/2019 New York, NY — Per usual, what’s old is new again. This axiom is common in the fashion world, but rarely is the prospect of stepping back in the technology realm favorable. But the latest trend is bucking the norm: dial-up chic. A small, but growing group of twenty somethings have downloaded the old mechanical, screeching sound that used to accompany fax machines and internet modems. The sound is often added as the log on sound and, in some instances, as a ringback on cell phones.

“It’s a very comforting sound,” stated Colby Farmer, a junior philosophy major at Hunter College, N.Y. “A lot of people my age remember that sound as we first connected to the internet. It was a sound of anticipation and hope. That sound was going to take you to your dreams at, hopefully, 50.2k bits per second.”

The sound hasn’t been in used in practice for a number of years. As land line telephones go, so go dial-up connections. A Google search shows that a handful of companies in rural areas in Mississippi and Arkansas still offer a dial-up connection to their customers. But while these new “dial-uppers” desire the siren of their youth, only the most dedicated fans yearn for the sluggish speed.

“I don’t get it. I cringe everytime I hear that noise. It only brings back bad memories of lagging video games and five-hour long downloads,” said Nick Genese, 34, owner of Genese Design.

But the youth carry on.